Why is it so difficult to talk about libido?

Before delving into the "how," it's essential to understand the "why." Recognizing the obstacles is the first step to overcoming them. Sexuality is an intimate area where our vulnerability is at its peak, which explains the complexity of discussing it openly.

Fear of judgment and rejection

The deepest fear is often that of the other person's reaction. The person experiencing a decrease in desire fears being perceived as "abnormal" or causing their partner pain. Conversely, the person with a higher desire fears their demands will be interpreted as pressure, and that the other's lack of desire will be a sign of waning love. This fear paralyzes and erects walls of silence.

The confusion between desire and love

In our culture, sexual desire is often seen as the barometer of love. A decrease in libido is then immediately, and wrongly, interpreted as a decrease in feelings. It is crucial to distinguish between the two: one can love someone deeply without experiencing constant sexual desire . Fluctuations in libido are influenced by a myriad of factors: stress, fatigue, hormones, mental health, and so on.

The impact of stereotypes and social pressure

Films, the media, and society bombard us with images of passionate, spontaneous, and consistently high-performing sex. This unrealistic portrayal puts immense pressure on couples. Not conforming to this ideal can lead to feelings of shame or failure, making conversation even more difficult.

Step 1: Prepare the ground for a constructive conversation

A discussion on such a sensitive topic cannot be improvised. Careful preparation maximizes the chances of a productive and calm exchange. Think of it like preparing for an important trip: you don't set off without a map or a destination.

Introspection: clarify your own feelings

Before speaking to your partner, take a moment for yourself. Ask yourself a few questions: What exactly am I feeling (sadness, frustration, anxiety, guilt)? What are my needs? What fears do I have about this conversation? What would I like to happen? Gaining clarity about your own emotions will help you express them more calmly and precisely.

Choosing the right time and the right place

Timing is crucial. Never bring up this subject in bed, right after a failed attempt, or in the middle of an argument. Choose a time when you are both calm, relaxed, and won't be interrupted. A Sunday afternoon, during a walk, or sitting comfortably in the living room can be ideal. The environment should be neutral and safe.

Banish blame: adopt a team approach

The most common mistake is to approach the subject from a accusatory angle ("You don't touch me anymore," "You never want to"). Change your perspective: it's not "you versus me," but "us versus the problem." Start the conversation with a unifying sentence: "I'd like us to talk about us, about our intimacy, because our connection is important to me, and I feel like we've drifted apart a little lately."

Step 2: The communication techniques that change everything

Once the framework is established, the way you communicate will determine the outcome of the exchange. Here are some particularly effective techniques from Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

"Between what I think, what I want to say, what I believe I'm saying, what I actually say, what you want to hear, what you hear, what you think you understand, what you want to understand, and what you actually understand, there are at least nine possibilities for misunderstanding."

– Bernard Werber (Adapted)

The power of "I": express your feelings without accusing

Speaking in "I" statements is the cornerstone of successful communication. It allows you to express your truth without your partner feeling attacked. The structure is simple: Feeling + Context + Need .

• Instead of: "You never make the first move."
• Try this: " I've been feeling a little sad and lonely lately when I notice we don't have intimate moments anymore, because I need to feel desired and connected to you."

Active listening: more than just hearing, understanding

Active listening means being fully present for your partner, without preparing your response while they are speaking. This involves:

1. Reflect and rephrase: "If I understand correctly, you feel under pressure and that's blocking your desire?"
2. Ask open-ended questions: "How do you feel about this? What might help you?"
3. Validating one's emotions: "I understand that this is difficult for you too. Thank you for talking to me about it."

This validation is essential. Even if you disagree, acknowledging the legitimacy of the other person's emotions creates a climate of safety.

Step 3: Co-create solutions and reinvent intimacy

Once the emotions have been expressed and heard, you can move on to finding solutions. The goal is not to "fix" one or the other, but to find a new balance that works for both of you.

Often, the pressure to perform sexually is the biggest passion killer. Perhaps it's time to broaden your perspective on intimacy.

• Expanding the definition of sexuality: Intimacy is not limited to penetration. It includes caresses, massages, lingering kisses, shared showers, and sweet words.
• Planning dates: Far from being a passion killer, planning moments of intimacy (without obligation of sexual outcome) allows you to recreate anticipation and ensure that the couple remains a priority in busy schedules.
• Explore sensuality: Rediscover the pleasure of the senses together. Cook a delicious meal, listen to music, dance in the living room. Explore tips on our lifestyle blog for inspiration.
• Put communication at the center: Make these discussions a ritual. A weekly 15-minute check-in on "the state of our being" can prevent the accumulation of frustrations.

FAQ: Your questions about libido in a relationship

What if my partner completely refuses to talk?

Express calmly, using "I" statements, how much this situation is affecting you. Suggest an alternative, such as writing a letter or seeing a therapist together. If the impasse persists, it's important to consider whether your fundamental needs are being met in the relationship.

How long does it take to see an improvement?

There's no magic timeline. The first conversation is a victory in itself. Improvement comes from repeating these supportive exchanges and establishing new habits. Be patient and celebrate small steps forward.

Is a decrease in libido necessarily a sign that my relationship is in trouble?

Absolutely not. It's a symptom that can reveal many external factors (stress, fatigue) or internal factors within the relationship (routine, conflicts). It's how the couple manages this symptom that determines their health, not the symptom itself.

Conclusion: Communication as an act of love

Talking about libido isn't an easy conversation, but it might be one of the most important you'll have for the health of your relationship. It's an act of courage, vulnerability, and, above all, a profound act of love. By choosing dialogue over silence, you affirm that your connection is stronger than the problem.

Remember that the goal isn't perfect sexual performance, but genuine and fulfilling intimacy. The next step? It's not about solving everything in one night, but simply taking the first step. Choose a moment, take a deep breath, and approach it with kindness. Your relationship is worth it.

To continue nurturing your relationship, explore our articles on well-being and connection in our information section .